Sunday, June 27, 2004

Questions for Kerry

Reprinted at length, edited for clarity. Thank you IMAO! Bolded are my favorites.

June 22, 2004
So, Do You Have Any Military Experience?
I got an e-mail from the John Kerry campaign titled "What would you ask John Kerry" saying how if I set up a house party, I could ask a question to John Kerry. So, I put it to you, my dear readers, to think of what would be the perfect question to ask him. I'll pick the best one, and the author of it gets to ask me a question (yes, I'm tired of Frank Answers™, so you only get to ask me questions by winning a contest).

So, what would you ask John Kerry?

Posted by Frank J. at June 22, 2004 11:38 AM | TrackBack

What is more Nuanced? Voting against something, then voting FOR it? Or Voting for something, and THEN voting against it?

Posted by: Evil Midnight Poster what Posts at Midnight on June 22, 2004 11:46 AM
To Sen Kerry:
Was the tossing of "your" Vietnam campaign medals over the White House fence a "wardrobe malfunction?"

Posted by: Cory on June 22, 2004 11:54 AM
So, Senator, how does four months of actual combat experience make you a better candidate than say, Lyndie England?

Posted by: Bob Owens on June 22, 2004 11:54 AM
Have you ever been to bohemian grove?

Posted by: Cb on June 22, 2004 11:56 AM
As I have passed the age of 40 I was wondering, Senator Kerry, how do you manage to stay so young looking?

Posted by: El Jefe on June 22, 2004 11:58 AM
Senator, why are you married to 'Tootsie'?

Posted by: DixieDarlin' on June 22, 2004 12:02 PM
Hey, Frenchie! Pull my finger?

Posted by: TC-LeatherPenguin on June 22, 2004 12:04 PM
Senator (*spit*), when will you stop hating your country?

Posted by: the markman on June 22, 2004 12:10 PM
Mr. Kerry, how can I get combat experience in Viet Nam?

Posted by: LibertyBob on June 22, 2004 12:16 PM
Senator, as the state of Massachusetts I was wondering if you would be returning your salary to me. Considering you've missed 78% of the votes here. I was also wondering if you would be stepping down as Senator once you accept the Democraptic nomination. Or mebbe you're just to haughty and french-looking for that?

Posted by: Massachusetts on June 22, 2004 12:16 PM
I would ask:
Did it hurt when they pulled the band-aids off your wounds in Vietnam?

Posted by: JusTalkin on June 22, 2004 12:26 PM
Mr. Heinz-Kerry,

You have said that as president, you would create 10 million new jobs for Americans. Does that mean American citizens, or North Americans is general? I mean, do you plan to create a bunch of jobs for us, or illegal aliens?

Posted by: Chris on June 22, 2004 12:30 PM
I loved your performance as Treebeard in LOTR: The Two Towers. Can I have your autograph?

Posted by: Sam on June 22, 2004 12:34 PM
Dear Kerry, there was a rumor that you served in Vietnam, as a anti-war protestor how do you face these accusations.

Posted by: Monster Kabasue on June 22, 2004 12:37 PM
Senator Kerry, just what are the 57 Heinz varieties?

Posted by: James on June 22, 2004 12:37 PM
What... is the air-speed velocity of an unladen swallow? A European Swallow that is.

Posted by: Aric on June 22, 2004 12:50 PM
Senator Kerry, when is it appropriate to place the chafing dish directly on the dinner table?

Posted by: lance on June 22, 2004 12:51 PM
"Where are the Snowdens of yesteryear?"


"Do you know the Muffin Man?"

Posted by: Josh on June 22, 2004 12:54 PM
"Why the long face?" Yeah, I know. Okay, how about: "Is that Hunts Catsup on your collar?".

Posted by: jonag on June 22, 2004 12:58 PM
Mr. Kerry,

How long have you been a goober?

Posted by: Mr. Bubble on June 22, 2004 12:58 PM
In your appearance before the Senate in the 70's you stated as fact that you engaged in war crimes in Vietnam. If this was not true, then why should Americans elect someone who'd lie about that? Conversely, if it is true, then why would Americans elect a war criminal?

As a follow-up...since you approve of the U.S. being subject to the U.N....then will you present yourself to the ICC in the Hague to answer your war crime charges?

Posted by: Former Hostage on June 22, 2004 01:01 PM
Does Jaques Chirac really talk in his sleep?

Posted by: Former Hostage on June 22, 2004 01:02 PM
How much does Ter-ay-sah give you as a weekly allowance? Do you have to do chores for it?

Posted by: Former Hostage on June 22, 2004 01:03 PM
If you were a tree, what kind of tree would you be? And, if you fell in the forest but no-one was around to hear, would anyone care?

Posted by: Former Hostage on June 22, 2004 01:04 PM
Mr. Kerry, How do you reconcile the fact that you have testified before Congress that you were an accessory to war crimes during your time in Viet Nam yet you incessantly mention that you served there and use it as a source of pride when comparing yourself to the current president?

If you didn't have the moral conviction to stand up to war criminals, why should the American public believe you'll have the moral conviction to do what is right (not what is politically expedient or what focus groups/polls indicate) if you're elected president?

(OK, so that's 2 questions. Sue me...)

Posted by: A fine scotch on June 22, 2004 01:05 PM
What's that on your shirt?

Posted by: toothless redneck on June 22, 2004 01:08 PM
Senator Kerry, is it true that you are indeed the illegitimate son of Herman Munster & Gladys Kravitz?

And if I may follow up, will you enact forced famines like your mentor Joseph Stalin?

Posted by: FilthyMcNasty on June 22, 2004 01:09 PM
Senator Kerry, if you lose the 2004 Presidential Election, will you move to France to form a government-in-exile?

Posted by: Chris Marcellus on June 22, 2004 01:11 PM
Johnny, is Tear-ree-saw as big a biatch as ol' shrillary?

Posted by: peloperz on June 22, 2004 01:12 PM
Why is there air?

(thanks to Bill Cosby)

Will you be mandating Botox injections be covered by a National Health Plan???

Posted by: SteveLowe on June 22, 2004 01:13 PM
Senator Kerry, what kind of extras do you get when you spend $1,000 for a haircut? Lapdances, or just shampoo and conditioner?

Posted by: Cap'n Yoaz on June 22, 2004 01:14 PM
Has Theresa ever worn kneepads for Teddy??

Posted by: NationalEnquirer on June 22, 2004 01:15 PM
Senator Kerry, were you ever in Viet Nam?

Posted by: Cap'n Yoaz on June 22, 2004 01:16 PM
Have you now, or ever been, a member of the Ho Chi Minh School of Democracy?

Posted by: LancelotLink on June 22, 2004 01:17 PM
Senator Kerry, does your butler have a butler?

Posted by: Cap'n Yoaz on June 22, 2004 01:17 PM
Ho Ho Hey
Ho Ho Hey
What will Theresa let you say?

Hey Hey Ho
Hey Hey Ho
She wears the pants (as we all know)

Posted by: HippieScum on June 22, 2004 01:19 PM
Senator Kerry: How does it feel to be the first dustmop nominated by a major party for the office of President?

Posted by: 5minutes on June 22, 2004 01:23 PM
Senator Kerry,

Since your wife has been on the scene no one seems to know where Dustin Hoffman is. Care to comment?

Posted by: El Jefe on June 22, 2004 01:24 PM
Did you enjoy playing Lurch on The Addams Family?

Posted by: Colt Springfield on June 22, 2004 01:27 PM
Do you have a burning sensation when you pee?

Ever get that not so fresh feeling?

Posted by: Josh on June 22, 2004 01:27 PM
C'mon, for old times sake. Could you please say, "You rang?" in that low, slow baritone voice of yours?

Posted by: El Jefe on June 22, 2004 01:30 PM
Last one

"If Ted Kennedy is killed, will you commit seppuku?"

Posted by: Josh on June 22, 2004 01:31 PM
Would you like to comment on any of these questions before deciding not to comment on them?

Posted by: El Jefe on June 22, 2004 01:32 PM
Got any snowboarding or bike riding tips?

Posted by: El Jefe on June 22, 2004 01:33 PM
Should you become the President, and Dan Rather shows up at the White House in a blue dress holding a pizza and says "you're hair looks very French today, may I come in?", your response would be what?

Posted by: Paleo on June 22, 2004 01:37 PM
Senator, can you tell us how to marry money so we don't have to work either?


Senator, how can one man suck so much?

Posted by: Exile on June 22, 2004 01:49 PM
Senator, how much wood would a woodchuck chuck, if a woodchuck would chuck wood? Alternatively, since you spend more on your hair than most third world nations spend on food, why do you still look like one of those angry trees from the Wizard of Oz?

Posted by: Pat Rand on June 22, 2004 01:51 PM
If you were President today, what would be your response to the third beheading of a hostage by terrorists in the past month?

And please don't tell me the response will involve seeking U.N. approval.

Posted by: Libertarian Hawk on June 22, 2004 01:58 PM
Let's see, something theological, so he can show us he's a religious guy.

Senator, in your opinion, did Adam and Eve have belly buttons?

Posted by: Dave in Texas on June 22, 2004 02:03 PM
Since you have indicated on national TV categorically (Russert- Meet the Press) that the war on terror should be primarily one of intelligence and law enforcement, and since trying that in the 90's resulted in as many dead as at Pearl Harbor, why should we expect a return to this policy to result in anything more than more american dead, and dead HERE? Please be EXACT in how you expect to have this result in a different end.

Posted by: epimondas on June 22, 2004 02:13 PM
Senator, with the fact that your head is bolted on, will you be willing to stick your neck out to round up the Iraqi scum responsible for the beheadings? And will you utilize your extensive 4-month Viet Nam skills to do so?

Posted by: FilthyMcNasty on June 22, 2004 02:23 PM
Mr Kerry
If you win the election, will you be painting the white house pink?

Posted by: James Old Guy on June 22, 2004 02:32 PM

Senator Kerry, Do you or do you not own multiple SUV's? Even a ...gasp.....*CHEVY SUBURBAN*?!

If John Kerry can't answer that, he shouldn't be allowed to run a coffee maker, much less the USA.

Posted by: Scott Sanburn on June 22, 2004 02:47 PM
If you become president, will you and your wife share the secret of producing the regenerating flesh you use to cover your cyborg endoskeleton?

Posted by: Beck on June 22, 2004 02:52 PM
So Johny-boy, how many times a day do you check out IMAO?

Posted by: DaDougster on June 22, 2004 03:06 PM
Did you serve in Vietnam?

Posted by: Bulgaroctonus on June 22, 2004 03:16 PM
During your life Mr. Kerry you've been married to two rich women. Being that you have no personality or sence of humor, how did you do that?

Posted by: Robert on June 22, 2004 03:27 PM
If you had the opportunity to change the vote you made in favor of the Iraq War in 2002, would you, and why?

Posted by: Scotwalker on June 22, 2004 03:29 PM
With what tyrant/dictator/despot/barbarian from history do you most identify?

As a follow up, please provide several examples of amusing ways in which his/her name can be incorporated into your own.

Posted by: No One of Consequence on June 22, 2004 03:34 PM
In that you seem to hold two contradicting views on issues, just how many personalities are fighting for dominance inside your head?

Posted by: Aris Ravencroft on June 22, 2004 03:39 PM
Senator, in one of your commercials you say the country is headed in the wrong direction because 43 million people don't have health care [insurance]. Given that a greater number of people today have benefits than ever before in the history of the country, would you consider the "right way" to be the removal of these benefits?

Posted by: LibertyBob on June 22, 2004 03:39 PM
Senator Kerry, wouldn't electing you to the office of Commander in Chief be like putting an Anti-Christ in as the Pope?

Posted by: Grant Jensen on June 22, 2004 03:44 PM
"Let me begin by telling you I am a Republican, and I voted for George W Bush in the last election, and you're welcome. Now... Hey, wait up! I didn't get to ask my question!!"

Posted by: veep on June 22, 2004 04:01 PM
If I kill you do I become you?

Posted by: Josh on June 22, 2004 04:07 PM

Since I'm sure that he wouldn't have a comprehensible answer to any question I asked, why waste my time with a question that I really want asked? So here goes my rude, let's see him turn red and start to bluster, question:
Sen. Kerry, why do you prefer France to the US?

Posted by: Veeshir on June 22, 2004 04:29 PM
I have several questions:

Senator Kerry, you claim that the Iraq war is the worst foreing policy debacle in the last 200 years of American history; did you forget that you served in Vietnam?

Senator Kerry, you keep on claiming that we are in the worst economic quagmire since the great depression; how does our current record economic growth, 1.4 million jobs created since August, near zero inflation, near zero interest rates, all despite the Clinton dot-com bubble, the 9/11 destruction of the World Trade Center, and two wars, compare to the Carter Administration?

Senator Kerry, you keep calling for Bush to reach out to the "international community" in the war on terror, even though 15 of 19 NATO countries, half the EU, and a total coalition larger than that of the first Gulf War are all behind the U.S.; does this mean that, in essence, what you really want is for all U.S. foreign policy to be approved by FRANCE?

Senator Kerry, you keep reminding us of your service in Vietnam while deriding Bush for his service in the Alabama National Guard; didn't we lose Vietnam, while Alabama today remains free from Soviet aggression?

Senator Kerry, you seem fixated on the unemployment "crisis" under Bush; how is the national unemployment rate of 5.6% today worse than the national unemployment rate of 5.6% at the end of Clinton's first term?

Senator Kerry, you complain about the 43 million Americans without health care and desire a socialist-style universal health care system similar to Canada and Europe; are you suggesting that the thousands of wealthy Canadians and Europeans who come to the United States to spend money on our capitalist-based system when they are unable to receive the same level of quality at home are somehow in error?

Senator Kerry, can you point to a single action in your long Senate career that actually acomplished anything of historical significance?

Senator Kerry, it is clear that if you lose this election that Hillary Clinton is set up as the savior of your party in 2008, and if you win, her hopes of ever being President will suffer tremendously; do you really expect the Clintons to do anything at all to help you win this election?

Senator Kerry, you continuously comment that we need to end our dependence on Arab oil; does this mean that you will support drilling in ANWR, coastal oil exploration, wind farms off the coast of Massachusets, a resurgence of coal, the upgrading of American refineries and power plants, or the use of nuclear power, or is your only solution to raise taxes on SUV's to the point that only someone with $600 million in the bank can own one?

Senator Kerry, do you own a tie that isn't pink or lime green?

Senator Kerry, you have yet to articulate a clear and definitive stance on gay marriage; are you confident that if you don't give overt support of gay marriage you will cater to mainstream America knowing that the gay lobby will give you unconditional support simply because you are not George W. Bush?

Senator Kerry, you continue to make a big deal out of the fact that you served in Vietnam while the President was only in the Guard; has your view of military service changed since 1992, when you lectured that Americans should put Vietnam behind them and support Bill Clinton, who avoided military service altogether, going to the Soviet Union while the President flew dangerous missions in fighter jets over the Artic Circle, keeping us safe from Soviet Attack while the bulk of our military was bogged down in Vietnam?

Senator Kerry, many of your supporters would like to see you run with John McCain as your running mate, calling for a "unity ticket" to end partisan politics; since McCain will never run with you, how about if you instead take a lead in the Senate to work with Republicans instead of against them, creating a "unity legislature" to end partisan politics?

Speaking of McCain, Senator Kerry, since McCain is pro-life, pro-gun, pro-war and pro-capitalist, and since many of the people who wanted him to be President seem to now be supporting you, do you feel pressured to take on any of those extreme right-wing stances?

Senator Kerry, Ralph Nader is running, asking democrats who oppose the war to turn to him because you voted for the war; in order to avoid another Nader spoiler like 2000, how will you cater to the extreme left-wing?

Senator Kerry, you keep saying you aren't going to raise taxes, yet you also keep saying you want to repeal Bush's tax cuts for the rich; what, exactly, is the difference between repealing a tax cut and raising taxes?

Senator Kerry, you seem to like being compared to John F. Kennedy: you note that you have the same initials, you recall your childhood as a guest in the Kennedy compound, you note that you are both Navy men who went to war, then went to law school, then became Massachusets Senators; what do you think of the facts that President Kennedy cut taxes, spent money on space exploration, fought communism, and appointed his brother Attorney General for the purpose of fighting the unions who were corrupting business in America?

Senator Kerry, you oppose American "unilateralism" in attacking Iraq without the support of France; do you now regret supporting the unilateral American attacks on Iraq in 1998 and Kosovo in 2000?

Senator Kerry, in all your speeches, you say you are going to solve all the problems of the Bush Administration; what, exactly, are you going to do in order to achieve this result?

Senator Kerry, in recalling the battle where you won the Silver Star, you say that after an initial fire-fight, you used a .50 BMG to gun down a Vietnamese soldier in the back while he was retreating; how does this compare to American prison guards who took photographs of terrorists in silly poses?

Senator Kerry, do you offer any solution to any problem in the world other than repealing tax cuts and reaching out the international community?

Senator Kerry, I live in a state where liberal democrats like yourself run nearly every government office from the governor's chair down to the local city council; my state is one of only four that is still on an economic downslide, does this mean that you want the other 46 to follow suit?

Senator Kerry, will you just hurry up and lose already so I can get on with the next four years?

There--one of those ought to win.

Posted by: dvgulliver on June 22, 2004 04:34 PM
In the posse scene in the movie First Blood ("we're not huntin' Kerry - Kerry's huntin' us!") would you have "screwed-up" and left them all alive like Rambo did?

Posted by: Paleo on June 22, 2004 04:50 PM
What valuable lessons on work ethic did you learn during your struggle to build your vast ketchup empire?

Posted by: Paleo on June 22, 2004 05:01 PM
Question: What country is the only country in history that coninuously relies on other nations to bail it out of trouble, only to turn around and spit in the face of its liberators? (If you need some help, it smells of cheese and rhymes with "can'ts"!)

Posted by: The Knights Who Say "NEE"! on June 22, 2004 05:13 PM
Who wrote the book of love?

Posted by: Dave in Texas on June 22, 2004 05:29 PM
You said you would create 10 million new jobs in the next four years. We are on a pace, despite 9/11, wars, etc, to create 14 million new jobs in the next 4 years (largely due to Bush administration initiatives). Why would you cut 4 million new jobs out of the economy in the next 4 years (putting 4 million people out of work)?

Posted by: matt on June 22, 2004 05:32 PM
Kerry is it true that you are hung like an elf?

Posted by: Sloofus on June 22, 2004 06:22 PM
Senator, did you know that Bendict Arnold was a war hero, too?

Posted by: N. O'Brain, IMfUI on June 22, 2004 06:24 PM
Mr. Kerry, what type of wood is it that you use to build that fence on which you ride?

Posted by: Lillian on June 22, 2004 06:54 PM
Got any gum?

Posted by: Josh on June 22, 2004 07:00 PM
"Excuse me Senator, I can't seem to remember....did you serve in Vietnam?"

Posted by: Jen on June 22, 2004 08:33 PM
So what size are the family pants your wife wears?

Posted by: Turkeyhead on June 22, 2004 08:45 PM
Dear Mr. Kerry,

Will you apologize to Andy Serkis for blatantly ripping off his portrayal of Gollum/Smeagol to use during your campaign?


Please do not blame your loss on the "nasty hobbitses".

Posted by: cb1100rider on June 22, 2004 09:42 PM
If the U.N. and France disagreed about what the U.S. should do in a certain situation, (and both were equally against our interests), who should we listen to?

Posted by: Megan on June 22, 2004 10:15 PM
Mr. Kerry, why are you still standing on my great country's soil?

Posted by: CommieBastard on June 22, 2004 11:27 PM
Senator Kerry, you recently (like when you decided to run for President in Florida) revealed that you are not Irish (like you've implied for years), but are in fact partly Jewish. Why do you believe electing someone who is partly Jewish will endear us to Islamofascists and, perhaps even more questionably, to the French?

Posted by: twalsh on June 22, 2004 11:48 PM
Finally thought of something.

"Senator Kerry, in November, will you vote for yourself before voting against yourself for president?"

And I'm 85th! (God, I need to get a life.)

Posted by: Matt on June 23, 2004 12:50 AM
Sen. Kerry: Can you validate my parking?

Posted by: SpaceMonkey on June 23, 2004 01:35 AM
Sen. Kerry: Are you going to finish that sandwich?

Posted by: SpaceMonkey on June 23, 2004 01:36 AM
Sen. Kerry: How many mutually exclusive opinion can fit in your head at one time?

Posted by: SpaceMonkey on June 23, 2004 01:37 AM
Sen. Kerry: If you were ice cream what flavor you be?

Posted by: SpaceMonkey on June 23, 2004 01:38 AM
Sen Kerry, who are you liking for president this time?

Posted by: SpaceMonkey on June 23, 2004 01:39 AM
Have you ever seen a grown man naked?


Does Barry Manilow know that you raid his wardrobe?

Posted by: John on June 23, 2004 01:59 AM

Is Teresa really a 92 million piece of ass?

Posted by: on June 23, 2004 02:22 AM
Senator Kerry, do you like botox?

Posted by: Dan on June 23, 2004 05:15 AM
Senator Kerry, have you possessed my Magic 8-Ball? It only answers "yes and no.."

Posted by: LokiDoki on June 23, 2004 09:02 AM
Senator Kerry;

We all know you served in Vietnam. Which side did you fight for?

Posted by: J. Fielek on June 23, 2004 09:11 AM

Sen. Kerry:

1) Do you know what its like to be shoved into the mud and kicked in the head with metal boot?!?!?

2) Did you order the "Code Red"???!?!?!

Posted by: "Magoop" on June 23, 2004 02:10 PM

Do you know who I am?

Posted by: Ken hahn on June 23, 2004 04:29 PM

Posted by Mahmoud the Weasel at 3:12 AM |

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